Vulnerability is the only bridge to build connection. ~Unknown
One of my 2015 writing goals was to become more connected with all of you. The people who read My Fit Family. Because honestly, without you, there is no My Fit Family. And because of that I long for a deeper connection with you. To know who you are, not just share my heart with you. I realize, I only share so much. And some things will stay with just my heart because some things are too personal and don’t belong with the world. Just me, my family, and closest friends.
But one day, in my quest for connection, I asked you all to share your all time favorite recipes. One of you shared a recipe that I tried and loved. It was from a blogger named Ali who writes at Gimme Some Oven. I shared the recipe (if you missed out on that post you can thank me later for trying this recipe out) and poked around on her site. I somehow found myself on a post she wrote called, Things I’m Araid to Tell You. I guess one thing I’ll have to admit here is I rarely read other blogs ( I suppose that could go on the list) so I had no idea that a few years ago there was a ‘movement’ where bloggers shared their own list of things they were afraid to tell their readers. All based off of a post that originated from Jess Lively, who inspired Ali’s post.
I was moved. And uncertain. Knowing the right thing for me to do would be to share my own list. But it scared me–which is exactly why I knew I should do it! I thought about it for a few days, trying to convince myself not to write it. But I reminded myself of my own goal and that was one of deeper connection. I suppose I could have made it light, as some bloggers did–and shared things like–sometimes I wear mismatched socks to the gym (I do!) or I bite my nails (I do that too), or that I have freakishly thin fingers (size 3 ring finger!). And yet my heart told me to go deeper. And what better way to encourage connection, than to be vulnerable with all of you. So here it goes.
Like Ali mentioned in her list, I too, feel like my memory is failing me. And that scares me. Because I have seen what that led to with my grandma who suffered from dementia–and all of us who loved her, suffered right along with her. At 36 my memory is horrible. So many details of my life are fuzzy. And even short-term memory doesn’t always feel like it’s where it should be. I can read a book, watch a movie, and not even a month later, if I try to retell it, it’s like trying to see a picture with a cloud of smoke in front of it. The outlines are there but the details are non-existent. Hazy. This.terrifies.me. I hate the thought of ending up like my grandma, who didn’t know that the people who surrounded her were the people who loved her most in life: her husband, children, and grandchildren. This is my deepest fear. Dear God, I don’t want to forget my people.
I’ve run marathons without stopping. I’ve run ultra-marathons. Able to overcome the voice in my head that whispers: You can’t do this. But lately? I’ve been listening to that voice. On short 4-6 mile runs I’ve been pausing the treadmill, taking breaks, letting the little voice in my head win. That one that says: You aren’t strong enough. And it’s so disappointing, because I know that voice is a liar, but right now it’s winning.
I love diet coke. I gave it up for months. I got over the withdrawal symptoms–the headaches, body aches (from aspartame addiction?!), the mood swings. And one day, just like that, I decided to have just one can. Something I swore off for good. Something I said I’d never drink again. I should know better–never say never. It’s back in my life. And truth be told? I don’t know that I’ll even try cutting out the one can a day I drink every afternoon. Which seems like such hypocrisy–to be drinking a can of diet coke while I eat my healthy turkey wrap with a heaping side of raw veggies. To be a self-proclaimed health and fitness blogger, only to be filling my body with something I wouldn’t want my own children to drink.
I’m on the internet way too much throughout the day. I’ll try to justify it: I’m a blogger. I have to check in on my social media for my website. It’s BS. I’m on it too much. So much that I made it my New Year’s Resolution to follow time limits I’ve set for myself. And though I haven’t failed miserably, I haven’t been completely successful at it either. I don’t know why, but this one shames me so much.
I’ve gained weight. I’m not really ashamed of this because it’s life. But it’s not something I shout to the world–though if you look at me, you can tell. But weight feels so personal, something I’m not comfortable sharing with all of you. Since starting ultra marathon training over a year and a half ago, I discovered I couldn’t balance it all. And I was afraid to tell people that truth. I couldn’t do ALL the running, ALL the strength training, ALL the right eating. I found myself doing almost no strength training (which my body needs); because how could I manage 1-2 hour runs a day PLUS another hour in strength work?–I couldn’t. I have a family. A life. So I cut back on it almost to the point it was non-existent. And though I eat healthy foods, skipping meals became the norm–eating my first meal as late as 1-2pm. Then overeating later in the day. All a recipe for disaster for me. At the New Year I was up 8 pounds. Thankfully back on track and now 4 pounds above my ideal weight. Not a huge number, and indeed, just a number–but something I’m not happy with. I don’t hate the way I look, but if I’m honest, I’m not comfortable with how I look right now.
Sometimes I get panic attacks when I drive. It started the first year we moved to Austin, almost 5 years ago. I already have a fear of heights and struggle with claustrophia–things I can typically control. But here in Texas, it seems like the overpasses/flyovers shoot straight up to the moon. And though I now avoid driving on overpasses and bridges altogether, if I even get near them, or think about them too much when driving on the freeway, I can feel myself losing control. I get embarrassed by this–who gets that scared from driving?! *whispering*: I do. So much that I’ve considered talking to my doctor about medication. Only I’m too ashamed to bring it up. I hate that such a normal, every-day activity causes me to feel like I’m losing my mind.
So yeah. Wow. I honestly don’t know how I feel about sharing this with all of you. I’ve shared my heart on My Fit Family plenty of times, which opens me up. But this post is probably the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt. I suppose I’ll have to press enter and share it with the world. Feeling scared and free all at once.
I dare you….share what you are afraid to tell the world <3.
Never Give Up,